Epcot Center: |
Not worth our time: 9
Not worth our time: 14
Avg line length: 60 Minutes
Avg ride length: 15 Minutes
Cynicism Factor: 9 out of 10
Epcot Rides and Ratings:
Test Track (x2)
Honey, I Shrunk the Audience
The Living Seas
Video Games of Tomorrow
Look into the Future
Ultimate Home Theatre
Medicine's New Vision
The Knowledge Vortex
Forests for Our Future
Tom Morrow's Playplace
House of Innoventions
You Say Epcot, We Say Crapcot|
Disney, Day Five:
Hey Walt. Here's a piece of advice for you. Shut down Epcot.
We're not talking permanently. It definitely has the potential to be cool, and we're sure it was probably cool in the early
80s. We just mean you should shut it down for two years or so and rethink the works. Two years? Hell, five years.
Here's the problem. It's nothing but a trade show with a $50 admission charge. There's nothing we saw there that we
couldn't see free at Spring Internet World. Except maybe the Test Track ride, which broke down four times on the day
we were there, once while we were on it. But we'll get to that a bit later.
You see, Walt, perhaps twenty years ago the world of the future may have included a lot of corny
black light tricks, but that just doesn't cut it anymore. People don't pay an arm and a leg to learn stuff, or be plagued
by corporate sponsorship. We get enough of that in the outside world. We'd much rather pay an arm and a leg to have
the shit scared out of us. At fifty bucks a day, I want to be dropped screaming from miles above the earth.
Epcot is the PBS of Disney; it passes the time, but there's better stuff on somewhere else.
You probably know this already though. We've seen the little survey takers on the wrong side of the turnstiles, asking
why you've decided to leave. From what we've overheard, people are polite: "Oh yes, I had a fine time at Epcot. World of
the future. Oh yes. I am enlightened." Guess what. They're not. They probably saw the same thing on Bill Nye Science
Guy last night in the hotel and didn't have to wait in line for 45 minutes.
Experience Danger at Epcot:
Sub Igloo was the first manned dive station to be used on the floor of the Arctic Ocean, ninety miles from the
magnetic North Pole. It was designed by Dr. Joseph Macinnis of Toronto, Canada. He and his team of scientists
used Sub Igloo to explore one of the most inhospitable regions on the planet. Their expeditions helped us learn
more about human survival in the subfreezing waters of the Arctic.
Click here for another dangerous moment!
So, what to do?
First, shut this place down. Divert the monorail to Animal Kingdom for a while as you break out the bulldozers. Leave the
geodesic dome, because it's still cool, but gut the inside. Spaceship Earth? Gone. That thing was garbage.
Instead, turn the inside into an atom with a big nucleus in the center. On your way in, say, "the electron travels close to the
speed of light, and in a moment, so will you", and then stick the people into an electron roller coaster and spin them all over
the inner curve of the dome.
If you want to keep Innoventions, turn it into a moving sidewalk with a gift shop at the end, and ditch the corporate
sponsorship. We felt like we were watching a Ron Popeil Hydrolator infomercial the whole time.
Next, you need less shows, more rides. Living Seas Briefing Room? Gone. Food Rocks? Gone. Ellen DeGeneres? Nobody even
likes her. What made you think it would increase traffic? Bulldozer. Smash. Destroy.
You need more thrill rides. Maximum Warp, theories of the future of interstellar travel. Nanotech, fast little robots
fixing problems in the human body. The Intestinator, a gross (yet fast) coaster through the gastrointestinal system.
The Double Slit Experiment bumper cars. The Ice Maze, a journey into Cryogenics. You should know a little something
about that one, shouldn't you, Walt?
The Supercollidor! Two roller coaster travelling in a huge circle in opposite direction, so you see each other on the way by,
then stick a mirror at the end so you think you're going to crash. Now that's cool! Come on guys, you're the experts. If
we can come up with stuff this great, you should easily be able to come up with hundreds more.
Because right now, the best thrill ride at Epcot is the Monorail to Magic Kingdom.
Profiles in Boredom:|
Meet Gary & Michelle
That's Gary on the left. He's not really upside down. Neither of them are really screaming. We had plenty of time to pose for
these photos while we waited for the Epcot Pit Crew to fix their newest ride, Test Track. The ride slowed to a halt partway
through a steeply banked 45 degree left turn, and we spent a good ten minutes getting to know one another, since we were all slowly
sliding to the left side of the car anyway.
"Oh well," added Michelle, "Last time I rode this ride it shut down too, but that time I was stuck in the Cold Temperature
Testing Room." Brrrr.
Aladdin's Dream came true!
So can yours!
All you have to do is believe!
If you can think it, you can do it!
I can't take much more of this!
Make it stop!
|more photos in the archive... |
We've got mail...|
It's Michelle, from Epcot. I finally got the chances to visit the website.
It's wonderful. Keep up the good work. I really care to forget Epcot, but
the Animal Kingdom was wonderful. Well, enjoy your travels. If you make it
out to Las Vegas, send me an E-mail. Bye for now.
- Michelle, Las Vegas NV
We've got hate mail...|
First off, I respect your opinion of Epcot but closing it down? If you didn't like the park, fine - but others do. In fact, many people would call that park their favorite. Seems to me you were looking for thrills when you entered Epcot. If that was the case, you came to the wrong place. Epcot is more of a educational/entertainment (or "edu-tainment" as Walt called it) type place. Epcot is "school - the way it should be." I love Epcot. You go to school and read all this crap in textbooks but when you come to Epcot you get to see it, and for the first time, you actually understand it. You also realize how much our history and our future impacts our lives.
Anyway, like I said. I respect your opinion. Not all Disney parks are meant for thrillseekers such as yourself. But there are a greater number of people who seek to stimulate their minds, rather than their adrenaline. This is where Disney comes through.
Oh, and I also saw "extremely faulty" was the reason for Test Track's closure. Yes, the ride breaks down a lot. But that is to be expected when you don't go to another non-Disney park and steal a blueprint for one of their rides. Disney chooses to make up their own rides and invent their own technology instead of making a cookie-cutter type ride. Did you know that each car's on-board computer system has more processing power than the Space Shuttle?!?! When you're dealing with that much power, problems should be expected.
Alright, I think I'm done here. I'm not asking you change anything on your site - perhaps just educate yourself before you start flappin' your gums the next time.
- Name Withheld
Drop us a note!
Better than Epcot
|Kevin: 8||Carl: 12|
|Aimee: 15||Cindy: 0|
Guess which side of the cabin belongs to the Gibbonses and which side belongs to us?
On the picnic table out front
|Same old:||Cereal and coffee|
In line for the House of Innoventions
|K&A:||Cold Noodles, Coffee Crisps|
|C&C:||PBJ Sandwiches, Coffee Crisps|
|Snack: ||Magic Kingdom|
We were just so happy to be away from Epcot
|All:||McFries, Coffee Crisps|
Food & Wine Festival
|Aimee:||Cheddar Chz Soup|
|Carl:||Cheddar Chz Soup|
|Cindy:||Cheddar Chz Soup|
|Cindy:||Fish & Chips|
|Kevin:||Sugar Cane Chicken|
|Aimee:||Sugar Cane Chicken|
|Carl:||Sugar Cane Chicken|
|Kevin:||Mango Ni Something|