day 89
let's talk crap

"I was in the Publix today... they were already playing that Chestnuts Nipping at your Nose song.
I almost ran." -k.
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Humble Beginnings:
Started By: Kevin, Chris, Nolan, Danny
Year: 1988
Location: Thunder Bay
Participants: 4

Refined By: Aimee & Kevin
Year: 1998
Location: New York
Participants: 16

Refined Again: 2001
Location: Worldwide
Participants: You!

Claim to Fame: This is the holiday event that brings everybody together. Christian, Jew, or miscellaneous - everyone loves crap!

Excellent Example of Crap Wrapping
(More about Crappy Wrapping in the official rules.)
Official Rules and Regulations of Mail Order Crappy Gift Exchange:
1. There is no weight or size limit on the Crappy Gift.
2. There is no price limit on the Crappy Gift.
3. Sender pays for all shipping charges.
4. Sender is responsible for mailing Crappy Gift on time to arrive at its destination no later than December 27, 2001.
5. You must keep the Crappy Gift in your house (or yard where applicable) for a period of one month. During this time, you must e-mail a photo of the gift on display in your home (or yard) to Aimee or Kevin.
6. After the one month trial period, you may dispose of the gift in any manner you wish. Of course, if you dispose of it in a unique way, please let us know and we'll include it on the site.
7. Should you, your property or your mail carrier be harmed by your Crappy Gift, is not responsible for any damages, charges or medical costs.

For a complete transcript of rules, please write to
Crappy Gifts Available Here!

Thanksgiving's Over, Let's Talk About Christmas
Nov 23 - This is Michael Kellman. Michael is holding something.

You may think that's a rooster he's holding, but it's not. It may look like a rooster, but believe you me, it's more than just a rooster. Much much more.

That, my friends, is crap.

That's right, boys and girls of all ages, it's time for the Crappy Gift Exchange! But this year is different from other years. Since we've been all over the United States meeting all kinds of interesting people, we've decided to let everyone in on the fun!

The Story of Crap
It all began with four kids from a remote city in Northern Canada. One Christmas, they all thought it would make for a unique, if not entertaining, Christmas morning to give each other the worst presents they could find. This usually involved a trip to the 4 for $9.96 cassette tape bin at Zellers or the dollar store. Imagine the delight on the 25th when they awoke to a Sticky George album, or maybe just a dollhouse kitchenette set. It was the start of something big. Well, maybe the start of something medium.

The years went by, and the gifts became more elaborate, more risque, and more innovative. The list of competitors grew, the group got older, and it was then that The Rules were set down by the makers.

One unfortunate year (or perhaps fortunate), the original Four split apart to work in different cities. The gift of crap was split also, to be taken to the four corners of the land. One went West to Calgary, one South to Mitchell, one East to New York, and one stayed in Thunder Bay, to keep the tradition alive (there was no need to go North, as he was as far North as was worth going already).

And that, good children, is how the tradition of crap was spread to the world.
What is the Crappy Gift Exchange?
It's your chance to buy that ugly thing in that awful store that you've never wanted, and giving it to a good friend to show how much you care for them.
Yes yes yes. I know all this. Where do I sign up?

How does it work?
Simple. First, I'll give you the rules as if you're playing at a Christmas Party. We'll get to the mail order part in a moment.

Here is the five step process...
1. You buy a gift that you would never want given to yourself.*
2. You wrap it in the most intriguing manner possible, so it looks halfway decent, and possibly even appealing. You want it to be the best wrapped gift at the party.
3. Numbers are drawn from a hat (hat sold separately).
4. Number 1 chooses first. He can choose any of the gifts he wants, then he must open it. The rest of the room laughs at his misfortune. Then the next number chooses, and so on. No trading!
5. You must take your gift home with you! And for at least one month, if another attendee of the crappy gift exchange comes to your home, your gift must be on display.

What about the Mail Order?
A little different. First, sign up below, we'll need your name, email and mailing address. Next, we'll input all the names into the Non-Denominational Holiday Matchmaker and, at random, you will receive a name and address, and your name and address will be sent to someone else. You may know them, you probably won't. Then, you've got to run out, buy some crap, put it in a box and mail it to your recipient. Hopefully by the holiday you'll receive yours as well, and we can all open them together on December 27.

This is my first Crappy Gift Exchange. Can you give me some ideas? Absolutely. There is an art to this holiday, because, as we've learned throughout the years, there is a difference between good crap and bad crap.

Bad crap, when opened at a party, is usually met with "hmm," "oooookay," or forced laughter. If it's not silly enough, weird enough or tacky enough, it's bad crap. Good crap, on the other hand, is met with, "oh my GOSH what the hell is that?" or "Holy Toledo, how did you get that in a box?"

You want to give good crap. Here is a handy chart to sort out any confusion...

Bad Crap
A Milli Vanilli record
A lava lamp
A supscription to AOL
A bad sci-fi movie on VHS*
A half-eaten box of chocolates*
A broken clock
Movie Passes
A 6' Statue of Liberty
German Porn*
Anthrax Spores
Actual crap
Good Crap
A Captain Kirk Commemorative Plate
A wall sconce fashioned from a deer's hoof*
A hanging mobile of AOL junk mail*
A video of the Million Mom March*
A chocolate replica of Mt. Rushmore
A "Last Supper" clock**
Movie Passes to Glitter
A 6' Statue of Regis Philbin
A signed photograph of John Ritter
A fetal alien in formaldehyde*
An album of photos of actual crap*
* actual gifts given in previous years.
** came with Jesus & Mary picture frames. Doubly funny because recipient was Jewish.

Get the idea?

So that's it! Now that you know, you'd better sign up, and do it quick! The Non Denominational Holiday Match Maker cannot wait forever!

YES! I want crap!
Give us your name and email, so we can enter your information into the Non Denominational Holiday Match Maker, where your victim, er, recipient will be emailed to you anonymously.
Next we need your Mailing Address, so crap can be sent directly to your door!
Prov/State:           PC/Zip:
Disclaimer: the makers of will not sell your address to junk mail companies, solicitors, Verizon, Ed McMahon, or rogue mercenaries.


crap brings joy...

The Wrapping

The Choosing

The Opening

The Crap!
more photos in the archive...

We've got mail...

Unfortunately, due to the nature of my "Crappy Gift", I will be unable to participate as I may violate the following section of the Canada Post Corporation Act:

SCHEDULE (ss. 3 to 5)
"Dangerous goods as defined in the Transportation of Dangerous Goods Act"
"items that, because of the manner in which they are packed, may expose a person to danger or may damage mail or postal equipment."
"Letter-post items or parcels that contain dangerous or perishable items prohibited by article 41 of the Universal Postal Convention (Washington, 1989), by article XII of the Final Protocol to the Universal Postal Convention or by article 20 of the Postal Parcels Agreement of the Universal Postal Convention (Washington, 1989)."
"Items that may soil mail or postal equipment."
"Items that emit offensive odours."

my apologies.
- Alain, Toronto ON

Certainly. Ya know, I was just looking around and thinkin'... I just don't have enough crap!
- Donnie, Nepean ON

I am having trouble distinguishing between good and bad crap.
- Mom
(Sent Dec 16)

Drop us a note!

Current Location
(get out your push pins)

Fort Lauderdale

Next Stop: Outta Florida!

see the full map...

Today's Weather:
Temperature Controlled Loveliness

Daily Stats
Slept In Until:10:00am
Movies Watched:3
Games Invented:1
Stayed Up Until:1:30am

Sleeping Quarters
Bruce's Pad

Can't. leave. Comfort vortex... too... powerful.

Kevin:Special K Red Berries
Aimee:Special K Red Berries
Bruce:Nutrition Shake
Kevin:Apple Pie Ice Cream
Gary & Sydell's
Fort Lauderdale

Your email address...

Crappy Gifts Available Here!
© 2001. Kevin Beimers and Aimee Lingman. When is a rooster not a rooster? When it's crap!