day 69
disney's animal kingdom

"I can't justify spending $2.49 on a frozen banana when
they're 49 cents a pound at A&P." -a.
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Animal Kingdom:
Attractions: 20
Conquered: 16
Closed: 0
Not worth our time: 3

Avg line length: 4 Minutes
Avg ride length: 1.5 Minutes

Cynicism Factor: 2 out of 10

Best Ride:
Kali River Rapids

Worst Ride:
Also, Kali River Rapids
Because you're wet for the rest of the damn day and Cindy has to buy new shorts.
Animal Kingdom Rides and Ratings:

 Kali River Rapids (x2)
 Festival of the Lion King
 Tough to be a Bug!
 Kilimanjaro Safari
 Maharajah Jungle Trek

 Oasis Exhibits
 The Tree of Life
 Pangani Forest Exploration Trail

 Wildlife Express Train
 Dino Sue

 Affection Section
 The Boneyard
 Kali River Rapids (x2)

Conversation between Carl and the Parking Guy:
Carl: Is it gonna be busy today?
PGuy: No sir.
Carl: Is that because it sucks?
PGuy: (shrug).

Children: The Other White Meat
Disney, Day Two: Let's get one thing straight right off the bat. Animal Kingdom was very nice. The sets were gorgeous and so well designed that you felt like you had jaunted to Africa on the Monorail. They gave up the primary colours for earth tones, and seemed to focus more on wildlife conservation than merchandising. In short, this park had a much more serene and calming feel to it, especially after being bombarded with wholesome happy hand-holding goody-goodiness at the Magic Kingdom.

But even though Animal Kingdom was nice, it was missing one thing. Kids. I'm not talking about the kids on this side of the fence. There's no excitement in that. I'm talking about the kids on that side of the fence.

Right now, Animal Kingdom has its share of scary animals that are lazying around in the sunshine so that we can all ohhh and ahhhh over them. But just think how much coooooler the whole place would be with a little terror. And what better way to get this terror than to drop a few Timmys and Sallys into the lion pen. I'll bet this would be more fun for the kiddies too. Kids love petting zoos.

Look Closer...
Picture it: You're gazing at the Lions and out of the blue you see Timmy in his little Donald Duck safari hat and khakis, wandering around with his fake wooden gun pretending to be on a safari.

But wait!
He's inside the lion pen!
He's going to be eaten alive!

"Run Timmy! Run!", scream the adults watching safely on the other side of the glass.

Right as the lion gets within a foot of chomping down on Timmy's precious little head, he's pulled to safety by Ranger Rick. Or not. Either way, your heart is beating faster, you're getting your money's worth and your child is learning a new appreciation for the real animal kingdom, whether he's on this side or that side.

This would be a fine addition to Kevin & Carl's Sarcastic Theme Park, a future business venture we talked about many times throughout Disney week. I can see the billboards now... Kids Ride Free! Heck, we'd even throw in free fudgesicles for the skinny kids. They're on the other side of that door. Honest.

Aimee suggested animatronic children... you know, little child-like robots with realistic spurting blood and recorded screaming. Cindy suggested we change the subject. Carl suggested it to one of the park staff, but I don't think she found it that funny. Oh well. A sarcastic park is not for everybody.

But next time you go to the zoo, just say calmly to the person next to you, "This would be so much cooler with some little kids running around in there," and see what they say. If they laugh, they can come to our park. We even do birthday parties!

Backing the Right Horse
Yellow, Blue, Green, Red, or Stripey? Which knight do we want to cheer for? Upon entering the castle at Medieval Times, we were handed Yellow crowns. Phooey to that, we spattered! We want to cheer for the Green Knight! No other knight is more noble, gallant, or chivalrous. If chivalrous is a word, that is.

The seating began. It was time to feast! The cowardly yellows were called first, the colour we were almost handed by chance! This disheartened us only slightly, but brought us together as the Green Kingdom of Asturia, being called last for seating and thus proving we held the most battle-hardened. We were tough, and we let everyone else know it.

Throughout our utensil-free feast of fowl, death threats were yelled across the arena, a rivalry building between the the good people of Green, and the evil Reds. As the games began, it was clear that our knights felt the tension between our warring kingdoms and in the end, it was Red against Green in a battle for the death. It was without a moment of doubt on our side that Green was victorious!! Red is Dead! Red is Dead! God Bless Asturia!

But wait! (a cloud of toxic smoke fills the stadium...) Who is this Evil Black Knight? Our weary, yet nobler than ever Green Knight must now battle the worst of the worst. The rest of the knights are dead! Whatever will become of our Asturian hero? Can he save the six lands?

Victorious! The Black Knight is vanquished! The stands around us go wild as all colours (save the pouty Reds) stand behind our Green Knight. He is beloved throughout the Six Kingdoms (save the Red)! He chooses Kevin as his Princess!

where's the mouse?

Real elephant

Real tiger

Real gorilla

Real giraffe

Fake kangaroo

Fake bird

Fake gazelle

Fake chameleon
more photos in the archive...

Today's Park:
Animal Kingdom

Tomorrow: Blizzard Beach

see the full map...

Today's Weather:
In like lamb, out like lion

Disney Stats
Getting there...
Awake: 7:45am
Section: Peacock 3
In by:9:04am
K's Shirt:I fling poo.

At the park...
Characters: 13
Cindy Missed:5
Strangest: Leaf Lady
Tallest: Leaf Lady

Kevin: 8Carl: 5
Aimee: 7Cindy: 1

Sleeping Quarters
Kissimee KOA

Our cabin is starting to smell like smelly cheese feet. Maybe this will lure Mickey here.


Kissimee KOA
Kevin:Lucky Charms, Krispy Kreme Donut
Aimee:Krispy Kreme Coffee & Donut
Carl:Lucky Charms, Krispy Kreme Donut
Cindy:Just Right, Krispy Kreme Donuts (Original & Raspberry)
Cost:Carl's Treat!

Animal Kingdom
Throughout the Park
Brought:PBJ Sandwiches, Granola bars, Coffee Crisps (x6)
Bought:McFries (x3)

Medieval Times
Kissimee, Route 192
Plate:Garlic Bread, Veggie Soup, Roasted Chicken, Spare Rib, Potato, Pastry, Beer/Pepsi
Cost:$42 per person
Thanks John Ayearst!

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 Did we mention the Interactive Kiosks?
© 2001. Kevin Beimers and Aimee Lingman. Green for King! Green for King!