day 72
epcot center

"Even if I had energy, this place would still suck." -a.
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Epcot Center:
Attractions: 15
Conquered: 8
Closed: 0
Not worth our time: 9

Innoventions: 14
Conquered: 12
Not worth our time: 14

Avg line length: 60 Minutes
Avg ride length: 15 Minutes

Cynicism Factor: 9 out of 10

Best Ride:
Test Track

Worst Ride:
Spaceship Earth
Epcot Rides and Ratings:

 Test Track (x2)
 Honey, I Shrunk the Audience

 The Living Seas

 Video Games of Tomorrow

 Look into the Future
 Beautiful Science
 Ultimate Home Theatre
 Medicine's New Vision
 The Knowledge Vortex
 Networked Living
 Forests for Our Future
 Internet Zone
 Mission: Space
 Tom Morrow's Playplace
 Dream Forum
 House of Innoventions
 Spaceship Earth


You Say Epcot, We Say Crapcot
Disney, Day Five: Hey Walt. Here's a piece of advice for you. Shut down Epcot.

We're not talking permanently. It definitely has the potential to be cool, and we're sure it was probably cool in the early 80s. We just mean you should shut it down for two years or so and rethink the works. Two years? Hell, five years.

Here's the problem. It's nothing but a trade show with a $50 admission charge. There's nothing we saw there that we couldn't see free at Spring Internet World. Except maybe the Test Track ride, which broke down four times on the day we were there, once while we were on it. But we'll get to that a bit later.

You see, Walt, perhaps twenty years ago the world of the future may have included a lot of corny black light tricks, but that just doesn't cut it anymore. People don't pay an arm and a leg to learn stuff, or be plagued by corporate sponsorship. We get enough of that in the outside world. We'd much rather pay an arm and a leg to have the shit scared out of us. At fifty bucks a day, I want to be dropped screaming from miles above the earth.

Epcot is the PBS of Disney; it passes the time, but there's better stuff on somewhere else.

Experience Danger at Epcot:
Sub Igloo was the first manned dive station to be used on the floor of the Arctic Ocean, ninety miles from the magnetic North Pole. It was designed by Dr. Joseph Macinnis of Toronto, Canada. He and his team of scientists used Sub Igloo to explore one of the most inhospitable regions on the planet. Their expeditions helped us learn more about human survival in the subfreezing waters of the Arctic.

Click here for another dangerous moment!
You probably know this already though. We've seen the little survey takers on the wrong side of the turnstiles, asking why you've decided to leave. From what we've overheard, people are polite: "Oh yes, I had a fine time at Epcot. World of the future. Oh yes. I am enlightened." Guess what. They're not. They probably saw the same thing on Bill Nye Science Guy last night in the hotel and didn't have to wait in line for 45 minutes.

So, what to do?
First, shut this place down. Divert the monorail to Animal Kingdom for a while as you break out the bulldozers. Leave the geodesic dome, because it's still cool, but gut the inside. Spaceship Earth? Gone. That thing was garbage.

Instead, turn the inside into an atom with a big nucleus in the center. On your way in, say, "the electron travels close to the speed of light, and in a moment, so will you", and then stick the people into an electron roller coaster and spin them all over the inner curve of the dome.

If you want to keep Innoventions, turn it into a moving sidewalk with a gift shop at the end, and ditch the corporate sponsorship. We felt like we were watching a Ron Popeil Hydrolator infomercial the whole time.

Next, you need less shows, more rides. Living Seas Briefing Room? Gone. Food Rocks? Gone. Ellen DeGeneres? Nobody even likes her. What made you think it would increase traffic? Bulldozer. Smash. Destroy.

You need more thrill rides. Maximum Warp, theories of the future of interstellar travel. Nanotech, fast little robots fixing problems in the human body. The Intestinator, a gross (yet fast) coaster through the gastrointestinal system. The Double Slit Experiment bumper cars. The Ice Maze, a journey into Cryogenics. You should know a little something about that one, shouldn't you, Walt?

The Supercollidor! Two roller coaster travelling in a huge circle in opposite direction, so you see each other on the way by, then stick a mirror at the end so you think you're going to crash. Now that's cool! Come on guys, you're the experts. If we can come up with stuff this great, you should easily be able to come up with hundreds more.

Because right now, the best thrill ride at Epcot is the Monorail to Magic Kingdom.

Profiles in Boredom:
Meet Gary & Michelle
That's Gary on the left. He's not really upside down. Neither of them are really screaming. We had plenty of time to pose for these photos while we waited for the Epcot Pit Crew to fix their newest ride, Test Track. The ride slowed to a halt partway through a steeply banked 45 degree left turn, and we spent a good ten minutes getting to know one another, since we were all slowly sliding to the left side of the car anyway.

"Oh well," added Michelle, "Last time I rode this ride it shut down too, but that time I was stuck in the Cold Temperature Testing Room." Brrrr.

back to magic kingdom...


Aladdin's Dream came true!

So can yours!

All you have to do is believe!

If you can think it, you can do it!

I can't take much more of this!

Make it stop!

more photos in the archive...

We've got mail...

It's Michelle, from Epcot. I finally got the chances to visit the website. It's wonderful. Keep up the good work. I really care to forget Epcot, but the Animal Kingdom was wonderful. Well, enjoy your travels. If you make it out to Las Vegas, send me an E-mail. Bye for now.
- Michelle, Las Vegas NV

We've got hate mail...

First off, I respect your opinion of Epcot but closing it down? If you didn't like the park, fine - but others do. In fact, many people would call that park their favorite. Seems to me you were looking for thrills when you entered Epcot. If that was the case, you came to the wrong place. Epcot is more of a educational/entertainment (or "edu-tainment" as Walt called it) type place. Epcot is "school - the way it should be." I love Epcot. You go to school and read all this crap in textbooks but when you come to Epcot you get to see it, and for the first time, you actually understand it. You also realize how much our history and our future impacts our lives.

Anyway, like I said. I respect your opinion. Not all Disney parks are meant for thrillseekers such as yourself. But there are a greater number of people who seek to stimulate their minds, rather than their adrenaline. This is where Disney comes through.

Oh, and I also saw "extremely faulty" was the reason for Test Track's closure. Yes, the ride breaks down a lot. But that is to be expected when you don't go to another non-Disney park and steal a blueprint for one of their rides. Disney chooses to make up their own rides and invent their own technology instead of making a cookie-cutter type ride. Did you know that each car's on-board computer system has more processing power than the Space Shuttle?!?! When you're dealing with that much power, problems should be expected.

Alright, I think I'm done here. I'm not asking you change anything on your site - perhaps just educate yourself before you start flappin' your gums the next time.
- Name Withheld

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Today's Park:
Epcot Center

Tomorrow: Outta Here!

see the full map...

Today's Weather:
Better than Epcot

Disney Stats
Getting there...
Parking:A - Amaze!

At the park...
Lines:Very Long
Closed:Test Track
Why:Extremely Faulty

Boredom sets in...
Went:Magic Kingdom

Kevin: 8Carl: 12
Aimee: 15Cindy: 0

Sleeping Quarters
Kissimee KOA

Guess which side of the cabin belongs to the Gibbonses and which side belongs to us?


On the picnic table out front
Same old:Cereal and coffee

In line for the House of Innoventions
K&A:Cold Noodles, Coffee Crisps
C&C:PBJ Sandwiches, Coffee Crisps

Magic Kingdom
We were just so happy to be away from Epcot
All:McFries, Coffee Crisps

Food & Wine Festival
Aimee:Cheddar Chz Soup
Carl:Cheddar Chz Soup
Cindy:Cheddar Chz Soup
Cindy:Fish & Chips
Kevin:Sugar Cane Chicken
Aimee:Sugar Cane Chicken
Carl:Sugar Cane Chicken
Kevin:Mango Ni Something

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 Hey, at least they had Interactive Kiosks.
© 2001. Kevin Beimers and Aimee Lingman. Monoraaail... Monoraaaail... MONORAAAAIL!!!