New York |
People: 13 million
Umbrellas: 8 million
Cost of Umbrella: $3.00
When Raining: $7.00
Claim to Fame:
Known mostly for being a crime-ridden den of ill repute, where people are shot on street corners,
propositioned by cracked-out hookers, and spat upon by the general public when asking for
directions. Mostly untrue, but don't let that ruin the experience for you.
Celebrity Sighting Of The Day
Top 5 Cheap Eats:
Gray's Papaya (72nd & B'way)
Dallas BBQ (43rd & 7th)
Yip's (52th & 6th)
Jimbo's (55th & 1st)
The Gyro Guy (55th & 6th)
Top 5 Unique Eats:
Lucky Chang's (1st & 1st)
Mars 2112 (51st & 8th)
Belgo (Astor Place)
Carmine's (44th & 8th)
Benihana (56th & Park)
Top 5 Pizza Joints:
Ray's World Famous Pizza
The Original Ray's Pizza
Famous Ray's Original Pizza
World Famous Ray's Pizza
Ray's Original Famous Pizza
Nuts About NY
Sept 27 -
As Giuliani would say, it's time to get back to a normal routine. Come to the city, spend
some money, go see a show. Or in our case, get back in the car.
But first, it would be a tragedy in itself to leave the New York area without saying
something good about it. Or at least, quirky, because that's what we do best.
After living here for three years, and having friends visit with barely enough cash for
the gas to get them here, let alone dinner at the Rainbow Room, we've mastered the art of
the cheapest New York no money can buy. Though we're about to give away a trade secret, we
feel it is our duty as a travel information website to provide the most accurate tour
related information to cheap bastards such as yourselves. So, here it is:
The Be All End All New York City Cheap Ass Tour For $10 Or Less
(Bring your good shoes*)
1. Start your day at Penn Station. Simply being a part of the morning commute will put you in
the New York spirit by osmosis alone. Try at some point to have foot trod upon.
2. On arriving at Penn Station, find the Krispy Kreme. Order an Original Glazed Donut
3. Ride the wave of commuters out the Northwest door and find yourself at the base of Madison Square Garden
(Remember: Maple Leaf GardenS, with 's', Madison Square Garden, no 's'. If you talk about
The Gardens, people will smack you like you just said "the Big Apple").
4. Glance across 8th Ave at the Huge Ass Postal Building. Snap a photo if you care.
5. Turn around and walk up 34th toward 6th. On your way, take a quick detour through Macy's.
While you're there, buy Jena's mom a shirt.
6. Welcome to Herald Square! Look up to your left and see the Empire State Building!
Look up to your right and see the Manhattan Mall! Head for the taller one.
7. At the ESB, head over to the 67-80 Elevator bank (say hi to Gus). Browse around downstairs and get yourself a bagel, and snap a picture of you next to a tiny Empire State Building, available at one of the many giftshops in the lobby, or failing that, Duane Reade. (You could get yourself a pass to the Observation Deck, but it would fall squarely outside the boundaries of the "Cheap Ass Tour for $10 Or Less", so we don't endorse it.)
8. Back over to Herald Square and down into the subway. Buy two subway tokens
($1.50ea = $3.00).
9. Catch the F train to
B'way-Lafayette, transfer to the Downtown 6 and take it
three stops to B'klyn Bridge-City Hall.
10. Marvel at City Hall, then turn a few degrees to the right
and marvel at the Brooklyn Bridge.
11. By meandering South, you should come across Wall Street,
the New York Stock Exchange, and eventually the
Anatomically Correct Bull. We suggest a photo taken from behind the bull.
12. From the bull, you should be able to see Battery Park and
the South Ferry. You don't want the South Ferry, or the
Liberty Island Ferry for that matter. You want the
Staten Island Ferry. Why? Because it's FREE.
13. The Staten Island Ferry will give you a great opportunity to photograph the
Statue of Liberty. Once you have taken a photo of it, you will realize that you
could have gotten a better photo of it if you had only waited another 30 seconds. Use your
second photo to take a picture of you smiling and holding your thumb and forefinger a few
inches apart with the Statue of Liberty between them. That always gets a laugh.
14. The ferry will dock at Staten Island, the World's Largest Landfill.
The announcer will tell you to get off the boat. This is not necessary, no matter how many
times he insists.
15. Take another photo of the Statue of Liberty on the way back.
16. By now you should be hungry. Buy a Hot Dog with Everything
from a Hot Dog Guy ($1.50). If you are
thirsty, buy a Coke ($1.00). Tip: Use the straw.
17. Head up to Bowling Green to catch the Uptown 4-5-6 to
Grand Central Station.
18. Make sure you pop into the Main Concourse, then find a
northwest exit (like 44th or Madison).
19. Walk west to 5th Avenue. Walk up 5th
and take a gander at some of the Ridiculous Window Displays
in the long line of Stores You Can't Afford. Go into
Saks Fifth Avenue and pretend you're rich.
20. Peek into St. Pat's Cathedral.
21. Cross the street to Rockefeller Center.
22. When you've gone through it all, head back to 5th and walk towards where you see
trees. At 57th, bango, you're at FAO
Schwartz. Go in and play with EVERYTHING.
23. When you get bored, pop back out and wander across the bottom of
Central Park. This is where you should go tomorrow when your feet ache.
24. When you reach the other end, turn down Broadway, but don't get mowed down by a
Cab on that Really Weird Intersection.
25. By the way, that's Trump Tower on your right with the globe
in front of it.
26. At about 54th or 55th, you should see the Ed Sullivan Theater
where they film the Late Show with David Letterman but
it's probably too late to get tickets. Keep it in mind for tomorrow though.
27. By now, you'll be wanting to sit down because your feet hurt like a son of a bitch.
Cross 51st and you'll see Mars 2112. Go in, pretend like
you're going in there to eat, but just ride the ride. Five solid minutes of sitting down,
and you're transported to Mars, 111 years into the future. Then just take the time warp
back out to the street before they call your name.
How to look like a tourist in NYC:|
- Walk at a medium to slow pace.
- Carry a subway map.
- Nod and say "good morning" to everyone you see on the street.
- Stop suddenly and unexpectedly to tie your shoe.
- Wear the "Born to be wild in New York" shirt you just bought at the 4 T's For $10 store.
- Hold your purse with both hands and glance nervously from side to side.
- Turn your backpack into a frontpack.
- Mention how cute the squirrels are in Central Park.
- Ask someone what a "Knish" is.
- Look up.
28. You've made it! Times Square! Use up the rest of your
29. Once you've walked right down to 42nd, walk a block over to 8th avenue and see the
beautiful Port Authority Bus Terminal, where you'll be sure
to see some crazy people who will make you wish you still had a picture left. Turn left
30. Stop in at Gray's Papaya for dinner. Ask for the Recession
Special ($1.95). Continue down the way to
Penn Station where you started, and take the damn train back to wherever the hell it
was you came from.
Total spending: $8.25
Total attractions: 33
*Note: If we haven't mentioned it enough, YOUR FEET WILL FREAKING HURT. Do not wear
platform shoes, do not wear sandals, and for goodness sake, do not wear heels with jeans
(it will make you look slutty). Instead, wear a comfy pair of runners (amer: sneakers)
and make a stop at Duane Reade for Dr. Scholls before you start. Also, plan very little
for the next day.
We've got mail...|
I can't believe you guys. You are fucking awesome.
I don't know what else to say...
- Jeff, New York NY
Drop us a note!
None o' yo' Damn Bidness
To bring us back up to speed...
To all of our friends in New York & New Jersey, thank you so much for letting us crash at your place for a few nights (or in some cases, a few weeks). In the wake of last week's tragedy, it was nice to know that we could be with friends. We really really appreciate it.
Adam and Deb
Michael and Idana
Alissa and Patrick
Jason and Rebecca
...and special thanks to Joey
for the Wetnaps