one week later...
monkeying around

"That's it. This is the last time I'm watching TV
this week. Unless, of course, someone else turns it
on while I'm in the room." -k.
home...    map...    photos...    contact us...      visit our giftshop!
2002 B.C...
Weather: Wet
Terrain: Mountainous
Population: Concentrated
Ocean: Also Wet

Claim to Fame: British Columbia is sort of the Florida of Canada. No, there's no Disneyworld, mini golf, or even nice weather here, but for some reason, this seems to be the retirement capital of the country. Need proof? How's this: All of Vancouver Island shuts down at 5:30.

Cracked Out Junkie Bird of the Day
Meet the Cousins!
Marcia & Audrey...
Parents: Helina & Wes
Family: Kev's Dad's Sister's
Location: Burnaby, BC
Marcia's Job: Greenhouse
Audrey's Job: Flower Auction, Purdy's

Special Note: It's Audrey's birthday on Saturday! Happy happy birthday!
Parents: Annie & David
Family: Kev's Mom's Sister's
Location: Victoria, BC
Drew's Job: Future Shop
Loves: Fast Cars, Darla

Special Note: Drew's mom has never met Darla, Drew's girlfriend. She only knows one thing about her: She's "Cute as a button!" Well, Annie, the rumours were true.

Finally, here's a photo!
And here's another!
This one's great!
What a cutie!

Dear Campbell Family: We do have unobscured photos of Darla, and if you'd like to see them, please wire $10 to our Australian bank account. Contact us if you are interested and we will send further instructions.
Kev asks 7-11...
Why do Canadian Slurpees taste better than American Slurpees?
The American sugar-refining standards are much more stringent than ours. The sugar in all products, be it Coke syrup, pop, or Slurpees, is refined to a higher level, which, unfortunately, gives it that nasty saccarine aftertaste. Which is better for you? Why, the one that tastes better to you, of course!

Buy a Slurpee today!

If You're Happy
And You Know It...

March 21 - Ahhhhhh... Boy oh boy, it sure feels good to sit down. I mean, somewhere other than in a car.

It's been a nice week, here in the Canadian West. It's still been busy, but a different kind of busy, like the last week of a regular job. When you're in the thick of it, you go to work, slave away, come home, and go to sleep, knowing full well that you'll be getting up tomorrow to do it all over again. But now, we've given notice and spent the last couple days cleaning out our metaphorical desks.

And just like anybody's last week on the job, we've been slacking off like crazy! We wake up late, go to bed late, and spend the hours in-between in front of a small electronic box with a blinky front, filled with tiny people. Such a fascinating device! People wearing ties, people drinking martinis, people with marital problems, sarcastic children, angst-ridden teens, cheating husbands and mothers who think their kids dress too sexy. And lots and lots of lawyers. We never knew it could be so intoxicating!

Actually, yes we did. That's why we've lived without a TV for almost five years now; because when we're near one, we can't turn away.

Television is more addictive than cigarettes, sugar and chatrooms combined. You know it's true. When's the last time you've come home from work, switched on the TV, blinked twice and it's time for bed? The only other thing that can make someone lose time like that is heroin, and maybe the occasional alien abduction. Of course, we've never experienced either. We've just learned it from watching, well, you know.

New Hair!
New Trip!

Two days before we started our USA trip, Aim made a trip of her own to the hairdresser and put some blonde stripes in her hair. Here we go again!
This time around, it's back to her natural dark brown. Nothing too flashy, but it'll do until she gets the urge to go purple.
And spending the week at Drew's place? With his 51" flatscreen with Digital Cable? Forget work. There's always something to watch when you've got 350 channels. The trashier, the better.

Yes, one of the cardinal rules we live by* is that the longer you're away from a TV, the trashier you want the content to be when you finally do get to one. Jerry Springer, Big Brother, Judge Judy, bring 'em on. We want to see people eat maggots, take off their XXL shirts, talk to the hand and stab former alliances in the back. At the very least, it'll remind us why we didn't have a TV to begin with.

Our latest addiction: dating shows. Oh yes, here in Vancouver, there's a two hour block of them, every weeknight from 6:00 to 8:00. You know the ones I'm talking about: The 5th Wheel, Rendez-View, Change of Heart, and our favourite, Elimidate.

Gone are the Dating Games of old: Love Connection, Bachelor Number One and all that. People are through with watching the nice guy, the sweet girl or the perfect couple, and please, no one's used the phrase "make whoopie", at least since we've started watching. No, today's games of love fit squarely into the Trash TV category, and we can't get enough. The men are pigs, the ladies are nasty, and the relationships are over by the following morning. Here's a breakdown, in case you've never seen them:

Blind Date:
A man and woman go on a date. Various funny animations are overlapped onto the scene in the editing room. Contestants win nothing.

A man and woman go on a date. Greg Proops and three other people watch it, analyze it, and make silly comments about it. Contestants win nothing.

Change of Heart:
An obviously failing relationship is put to the test: the couple is split up, set up on dates with people more charming, beautiful and rich than their partner. The date is filmed, shown to the partner, and at the end of the show, they have to choose whether to stay in their relationship or go off with the new flame. Contestants win a chance to end or save their relationship.

The 5th Wheel:
Two men and two women begin the date. They all chat. Man 1 chats with Woman 1, while Man 2 chats with Woman 2. Then Man 1 chats with Woman 2 and Woman 1 chats with Man 2. Then they all chat again, and a 5th person enters the fray. The 5th could be a Man or a Woman, but whoever they are, they're the sluttiest, horniest, largest chested contestant of all. Let's say it's a woman. Probably an exotic dancer. Next Man 1 and 5th have a lovely dinner, while Man 2, Woman 1 and Woman 2 also have a lovely dinner and talk about 5th. Then Man 2 switches with Man 1 to talk to 5th over dinner. After this they all go to a night club and have various candid conversations and dance. At the end of the show, each person says who they'd like to go out with again. If any two match up, they win... each other's phone number.

Our favourite, though, has to be "Elimidate". One male bar-hoppin' hottie with a preference for female bar-hoppin' hottie types goes on a date with four ladies. During the evening, he's supposed to learn what he needs to know about these lovely ladies through different parts of the date, then eliminate them one at a time. Here's a scenario...

The guy: let's call him Todd. He's passionate about working out, spending time with his buddies, and the Dallas Cowboys. But, he just can't find the right girl. So, Elimidate sets him up with four: let's say, oh, Jenny the hairdresser, Carrie the bartender, Wanda, a student in the school of cosmotology, and what the hell, an exotic dancer named Stasie (with an S and an IE).

The first part of his dream date: they go to the driving range. They each take turns hitting a ball, but with a twist, thought up by Stasie: whoever hits the ball farthest gets to kiss Todd, and then ask an embarrassing question to one of the other girls, like "How many men have you slept with?" or "What the heck happened to your hair on the way over here?" At the bottom of the bucket o' balls, Todd's forced to eliminate... Carrie. Because it didn't seem like she was really trying, and Todd got the feeling she didn't really want to kiss him. Three girls left.

Wouldn't my brother Chris be awesome on a show like this? He's exactly the type that people want to see on dating shows: he's thin, fashionable, loves the bar, spends lots of time on his hair, and loves a good runway model as much as the next guy.

What do you say? Should he audition?
You bet!    No way!

The second part: The sports bar. This is where they sit around, drink a few drinks, and keep trying to change the topic to sex. Jenny does a dance on the bar for Todd, and, not to be outdone, Stasie gets up to show off her stuff too. By the end of the game, Todd's getting a lapdance from Stasie, and Wanda's giving them all the cold shoulder. But, the time comes again, and Todd has to eliminate... Stasie. Todd felt like Stasie was just trying to upstage Jenny, and when she was dancing she kept getting in front of the TV, and she should have recognize that he was watching. Stasie's very put out, but not like it matters, because Todd isn't worth it anyway.

The final part: Hot Tub Party! Yes, Todd gets to see the ladies in their swimsuits, and maybe get some Truth or Dare going. They drink some martinis and snuggle up under the bubbles. The final elimination... Wanda. Why? Todd makes up some lame excuse about Wanda, but it's really because Jenny has bigger boobs.

The show is over, and Todd and Jenny can begin a wonderful, long lasting relationship together. As long as "until 7:30 tomorrow morning" is your definition of long lasting.

Now tell me, how can you not find that entertaining? It's by no means the highest form of entertainment, but who said anything about high? It's the trashiest of trash, nice and low, where everyone can get in a good laugh. After all, we've all been there, right? Remember that time you were out with four girls, and you had that who-can-eat-the-chocolate-cake-off-my-chest-without- using-their-hands contest? Boy, that was a riot. That was almost as good as the time the hotel reservation for the Virgin Atlantic stewardesses was cancelled and they all had to spend the night at my house. Like I said, we've all been there.

Ah, Reality TV. Only you understand me.

*Along with "Never trust a church with padded seats" and "You never truly become an adult until you buy a suit."

spring has sprung...





We've got mail...

Congratulations on completing your mission. We had a lot of fun just watching that little red arrow wiggle it's way around that little yellow map. Thanks so much for the Eccentrics book. We promise we will put it to good use.(there's this table with one short leg in our living room) We actually are planning on coming to Australia hopefully by mid 2003. I have an uncle who habitates just outside Sydney. We will have to get together for some digeridooing or such.
Our next Happy Day is in two weeks, and we are destined for Montreal this time. Excuse us for assuming that, because you're Canadian, you know all about Montreal.(at least we don't tell you to say 'Hi' to Jim Carrey or William Shatner(or blame you for Celine Dione)) Our stay will last about 3.5 days. We're planning on visiting the botanical gardens, taking in the new Cirque Du Soleil show in the Old City, museums and Mount Royal. But we need to know which restaurants to dine at, clubs to shake our thang at, and museums to cause a raucus at. Any information would be a big help. Thanks you guys. Hope all is well down under... and we hope you're enjoying living in Australia.
P.S. I wonder if the botanical garden has ducks, cause if not, they will soon!
- Jen & Jon, Hellertown PA

We've got blackmail...

Yes, we are indeed interested in more pictures of the fabled Darla. Please rush delivery. Post haste. Chop, chop.
The stated fee is noted and will be applied against your outstanding account for room and board dated August/01 and currently seriously in arrears. With the above noted payment we will refrain, for the moment, from sending this account to collection for further action.
- Drew's Mom, Dunrobin ON

I thought it was understood that the room and board account was balanced out by the fact that Aimee's presence in your home raised your property value more than enough to compensate.
- Kevin

While you are correct that Aimee’s presence did indeed raise the property values, we must not overlook the impact her travelling companion had on those same values... alas... Collection may be the only way... or, of course, pictures of the fabled Darla....
- Drew's Mom, Dunrobin ON

Drop us a note!
Current Location
(get out your push pins)

Victoria, BC

Next Stop: Australia!

see the full map...

Western Weather:
There's always something coming out of the sky

Relaxin' Stats
Hours of TV:29
Avg. Wake Up:10:45
Avg. Bedtime:1:30
Pizzas Ordered:5

Movies watched...
Don't Say A Word
Rush Hour 2
Twin Peaks Season 1

Saturday Night Fever
Cadillac Man
The Time Machine

The Gift
The Score

Home Alone 2 on A&E

Sleeping Quarters
Various Cousins'

Skipping from cousin to cousin! First the girls, then the guy. You can always count on family to take care of you while you're waiting to leave the country. As long as you offer to cook.

Victoria, BC
Why?Two people, one apartment, six different cereals. Not to mention toaster pancakes!
Favs:Count Chocula, Corn Pops
The Thai Place
On Kingsway, Near Library
Why?It's spicy and tasty! Ignore the reviews, go here instead!
Favs:#4 Hot, #9 Medium
Me & Ed's Pizza
Also Near Library
Why?They've got the standard pizzas you know and love, but also some funky ones!
Favs:The Godfather, The Mount Seymore, Roasted Garlic & Salmon
Cost:$22 for 3 Minis

Your email address...

It's Not Over...
Did you really think we'd end this site without adding more fuel to the fire of our favourite mystery?

It's been over 6 months and we're still not at the center of the proverbial tootsie-pop of pastry. Is the icing raspberry or is it strawberry?

We're solving a mystery with this twisted proof: for some reason unbeknownst to us, raspberry flavour is often portrayed as a the colour blue. Take a peep at these blue babies!

We rest our case.

If you want to know the rest
of the story, head to Day 50.

© 2002. Kevin Beimers and Aimee Lingman. Unfortunately, I have to eliminate one of you.